entry el último

So I think that this is the last time I'll have access to internet before I get home (whaaaat). 

The thing is though: I really don't have any profound words to end this blog with, some kind of mind-blowing realization to top off all that I've written about over the past 3 1/2 months. Bummer, right :P?

But I do want to say this: it's funny, I think one thing that I've really discovered is that sometimes, the only answer to getting out of a funk is to just live though it. That doesn't mean force yourself to be happy, that doesn't mean denying the fact that you're struggling- what it means, is that sometimes even if you feel like you can't or don't want to, you just have to know that the only thing you can do is keep truckin on. And that one distant day, you'll wake up and realize, well, shit. Everything's different, and I don't even know how I got here. But somehow, everything's suddenly beautiful again <3. 

I kind of feel like that's what's happened for me this semester. Suddenly, I feel like it's all falling into place, and I'm feeling full of life and love and beauty and strength, and it's SO good. I don't know how, but somehow I ended up exactly where I wanted to be. 

I love this country so fully, and I know I'll miss it very, very much. I also know that the journey doesn't end here- either in life in general, or in this country. I'll be back, & I hope very soon! I also know that there's no way I won't take all that I've learned and experienced and live it in a new way when I get home. 

I'll end with a quote that I feel like I also used at the very beginning of this blog. It still rings so true, and really speaks to what I feel like has really been my underlying goal: to live with courage [that's what the name of this blog means, if you didn't catch that :P]. Thus, in the words of Alan Cohen:

"It takes a lot of courage to release the familiar and seemingly secure, to embrace the new. But there is no real security in what is no longer meaningful. There is more security in the adventurous and exciting, for in movement there is life, and in change there is power."

I  love you all so much, and thank you for being here with me for this experience! You are always and forever with me, no matter where in the world I am <3.

Well, see you all in less than a WEEK!!! WOOOOOHOOOOOOO :)!!!

Love,

Hailey 

YAY!

Feelin happy, feelin ready, feelin strong. 

Ready to keep livin' the life!

I love you with all my heart, and thanks so much for readin along with me my dear friends! More tonight :).

it's funny, you know

I have so much work to do, and am leaving a place I've come to really love, etc. etc., but like...

I just feel so happy today :)!

Last night I had dinner with a couple from the US that I met a little while ago (when I went to the jail actually, haha, the guy, Derek got taken too that night), who are SO lovely and just... a joy to be around :). We had a really great time, just drinking some beers in trendy little bars and talking about the world, and funny hippy boys that drive across the country in a buses and steal canoes :P. Natan came up at one point, and like.... it was so helpful and wonderful to hear what they had to say about it. Liza said that I need to worry about me first, and what I need from the whole thing, and just be honest and clear about that. Because just because he's wonderful as a being doesn't mean that he's going to be able to give me what I need- to be supportive and stable and all of the qualities that a sustainable partnership really needs to have. But that also at the same time, the wind is also a very beautiful thing, and that it's okay to trust the feelings that you have for someone....

Overall, very helpful. But here's the really amazing thing:

for the first time, I don't feel worried about whether or not Natan wants to be with me. I'm feeling so... me! Only braver and more independent and stronger than before I came here. I dunno, I really love him, but I am fabulous, and if he doesn't want to be with me then that's fine. I don't need someone that doesn't really see me for who I am :).

Also: I AM LEAVING IN FOUR DAYS, WTF??

I feel ready though, almost. And excited for all that's to come.

"Nightingale" by Norah Jones

"Nightingale

Sing us a song

Of a love that once belonged

Nightingale

Tell me your tale

Was your journey far too long?

Does it seem like I'm looking for an answer

To a question I can't ask

I don't know which way the feather falls

Or if I should blow it to the left

Nightingale 

Sing us a song

Of a love that once belonged

Nightingale 

Tell me your tale

Was your journey far too long?

All the voices that are spinnin' round me

Trying to tell me what to say

Can I fly right behind you

And you can take me away...

Ah ah ah ah ah....

You can take me away

Oooooohhh."

This is a very beautiful song, with a very timely message :). 

Less than one week.... almost done.... with Bolivia, with this whole THING that has been my life for almost 4 months. It's wild, really :).

I love you!

Also, if my stomach really does explode like it feels like it's about to just know this: you were all very loved and missed up until my dying moment :P!

¨Kiss the Earth¨ by Thich Nhat Hanh

Walk and touch peace every moment.

Walk and touch happiness every moment.

Each step brings a fresh breeze.

Each step makes a flower bloom.

Kiss the Earth with your feet.

Bring the Earth your love and happiness.

The Earth will be safewhen we feel safe in ourselves.

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One week left. Trying to enjoy every moment slash right a 20-page paper in Spanish :).

Can´t wait to see you all!

two weeks from today......

I will be in GAINESVILLE (whoohooo!).

It's crazy, this semester has

flown by. It definitely doesn't

feel like a whole semester, more like....... an extra-extended

trip. But, as always seems to be the case with time, when I

think back on all that I've

seen

felt

experienced

loved

struggled with

felt joy over

found

journeyed through and to.....

it does seem like a long time. A really long time, in fact (!). I love this country more and more every day, and look forward to the next time I'll be able to come back (hopefully next summer!), but I must say that I am simultaneously SO ready to go home. I'm ready to be with those that I love, in a culture that is mine [for better or for worse, when you leave you really realize that no matter how shitty certain elements of our culture are, it's ours. And it'll always be (very weird to realize this, especially 4 a serious critic like myself heh :p) ], and in places that are comforting. I've been listening to this meditation book on tape, and it talks a lot about releasing the need for comfort and for having ground under our feet, but I'm not quite there yet. I look forward to seeing everythingthat I love in the US with new, open eyes, and to realizing all of the subtle things I've learned here that I haven't even realized yet.

I'm also scared about some things, which I think is pretty normal: am I idealizing life at home? (I think that the answer is definitely yes to this one); will I have a harder time re-integrating than I think I will? (maybe? hard to anticipate); will Natan decide that he doesn't actually think it's a good idea 4 me to come up to NC? (impossible to anticipate that one, heh, but I think I'm doing a pretty reasonable job rolling with it, yay!); and then, this bigger, nagging worry, which I feel like just comes from uprooting my life alot recently: what if everything that I love about my life has changed while I was gone, or changes when I get home, and I'm left to rebuild all over again?

I think that last one is really just a reflection of how uprooted I feel at the moment. On a deeper level, I know that I have the strength, flexibility, and support to do whatever needs to happen, and that the changes in life are often what brings about the most valuable experiences and passings :).

I know all this, but I just get scared sometimes :p!

Anyhow, these days I'm just trying to work on/wrap up my independent project, which has honestly been relatively unsuccessful in a..... technical, "objective" sense, but which in a learning about yourself & living & Bolivia sense has been incredibly wonderful.

I just can't believe I'm leaving in two weeks. Love me, I'm scared! Hehe, but really- yay for me, and yay for Bolivia. There were definitely MANY moments last semester when I thought that there was no way I could come because I was in such a bad place personally. But, at the risk of sounding very conceited, I would like to just give myself I big "GO ME!!!" for being here, and living all this, and coming out (hopefully) a. ok :).

Love and miss you all SO much! hughughug :)

Warisata

 Vive Los Ponchos Rojos!