experiencias nuevas

Holy hell. These past two days have been the most incredibly intense and incfredibly amazing of my life. It´s already so clear to me that Bolivia is stunningly complex, devestatingly beautiful, with elements of joy and tragedy and aliveness so novel to me that I´m utterly unable to comprehend their fullness. However, I am absolutely full of hope and excitement and anticipation for the days that are to follow.

I´m a bit too immersed in what I´m doing here and really too tired to write with any kind of completeness about all that I´ve seen and done so far, but let me say this- my city, my program, my group, my program directors, and all that I´ve experienced so far have already exceeded my expectations. I´m SO ready for the adventures that are to come, ready mentally, emotionally, spiritually, physically......... I want to breathe in everything around me, and learn from these experiences every possible ounce that I can.

unbelievable..... I feel so blessed to be sitting in this chair, in this internet cafe in Cochabamba. How very rich this world can be in even the most fiscally impoverished of contexts.

at the jacksonville airport (eek! part 2 heh)

I really have nothing to say at this juncture but more thoughts such as EEK! and BAH!, which are rather unhelpful and not particularly expressive heheh. However.... perhaps I can find a way to be a bit more descriptive. *ahmm* 

I'm feeling about 50 zillion really intense emotions right now, which is pretty dumb-founding to me as this is definetly not my first or most intense (well... debatable on the intense) trip out of the country. In fact, while this IS a much longer trip (it's unbelievably crazy to me that I'll be gone until May. MAY!), it will also be a lot more guided/structured than the other trips I've taken out of the country, both of which were pretty much just me, chillin, doin a thing. This program is going to have directors, and people to help you at the airport, and all kinds of crazy-handy stuff like that. It's all fine, but for whatever reason I am just anxious. as. fuck. Bah.

Buuuuuut (and this is a pretty big but(t) hehe :P)- these moments are where it's at for me right now, I think. Feeling the anxiety and the fear, a lot of which is based in insecurity, and breathing through it with the knowledge that on the other side of this anxiety, there is a life more beautiful, rare, and wild than I ever could have imagined (and parts of me, yet undiscovered, that are just as marvelous and rare). I think a pretty significant part of why I'm so nervous is because of meeting the rest of the group in a few hours. It's just..... a lot of pressure. All of these crazy, totally irrational thoughts keep running through my mind- what if they don't like me? what if they all bond really quickly but I don't? what if I don't have anything to say? what if they're smarter than me, or much much better at Spanish? what if I'm not pretty/cool/fun/smart/...dot dot dot... enough????? <-- this would be minorly disturbing if I didn't already know that this is EXACTLY what I've been working on/need to be working on right now. I have a lot of false ideas about myself based on who knows what, and a lot of "inner critics" [as Sark calls them] that try to stop me from being all that I can be. I know this, I acknowledge it, and I'm working of loving myself anyway :). Also, very happy, I've made/am making alot of progress on this front over the past few months. It IS really scary and hard and intense and overwhelming and confusing [both going on this trip and also, really, being alive and a person in this world].... but it's  also exhilerating, amazing,  and fabulous, and will be an enriching experience if I meet it with bravery and enthusiasm and kindness. Which, I will do my utmost to do :).

Also, fortunately for me, I am completely surrounded by love these days (which I appreciate more than words can even express). The logical (yet immensely challenging!) next step is to work on taking all that love and turning it both inward to myself and outward to the world around me. To which I say: yes!

Alright. I think I can do this. Go team :).

eek!

I am leaving in an hour. Am I packed?

Of course not! BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!! Why am I the world's most spastic person sometimes????

On a lighter note, I've been listening to Otis Redding all morning and it is making me endlessly happy :). On w/ the packing! 

Oh, one more thing: I have the most amazing friends on earth. But more about that later, I've got to do. this. thing (!!).

beautiful thoughts

"It takes a lot of courage to release the familiar and seemingly secure, to embrace the new. But there is no real security in what is no longer meaningful. There is more security in the adventurous and exciting, for in movement there is life, and in change there is power." -Alan Cohen

"Courage, it would seem, is nothing less than the power to overcome danger, misfortune, fear, injustice, while continuing to affirm inwardly that life with all its sorrows is good; that everything is meaningful even if in a sense beyond our understanding; and that there is always tomorrow." -Dorothy Thompson

"You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You must do the thing you think you cannot do." -Eleanor Roosevelt

I think that I am almost ready to begin this journey. 

a little while later [post-dazed and confused]

Goodbyes are truly awfullllll sometimes. Especially when it involves someone that you care about more than you logically should. Damnittttttttt. Oh well. *sigh*

He is pretty amazing though, I have to admit :). 

I'm going to Bolivia tomorrow. <-- WHAT???!?

So maybe that's a tad overly-dramatic, but like.......... whaaaaaat??

I'm getting more and more nervous by the minute. Not in an anxious-ball-in-your-chest way but in a everything is really surreal and weird and WHAT THE FUCK I'M GOING TO BOLIVIA TOMORROW, UNTIL MAY (!!!!) kind of way. 

I just feel like I have 75,000 things left to do and not even remotely enough time to do them in. I did, however, go to EHS today to see Dr. Schmidt and tell him about my trip and like... I dunno. I just still absolutely adore that man (!). He's just such a darling, intelligent, and incredibly inspiring person to me. It was really him that sparked my interest in history and in Latin America, and honestly, really in academia at all. Being around him made me want to feel re-inspired to be academically engaged (something I have honestly not been in quite some time, little known fact (or is it :P?)). Anyhow, seeing Dr. Schmidt may have been just what I needed to begin the long and arduous path to recreating my academic outlook/self [as long as I remember not to criticize/beat myself up to death along the way].

p.s.- I'm going to Bolivia tommorrow. What. the. fuuuuuuck. (!!) 

whaaaaat ?????

I have one full day, and then I'm off to Bolivia.

All I really have to say is....................................... whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat?????!!!!

Where did all the time go???? Am I ready for this?? (I think that the answer is absolutely YES, pending- 1. cleaning 2. reading 3. goodbyes 4. final errands 5. packing, and, ultimately- 6. not flipping my shit).

Oh lordy...... here we go!!

And also- more tomorrow about why I need to become the most stellar student of all time ever starting..... well.... now. Or yesterday. Whichever :P. 

trying to be strong, trying to be...

everything (unrealistic, I know :P)! These days, I've been trying to curb my fear and insecurity by facing those fears and insecurities head on :).  Sark writes that the only way to live the life of your dreams is to start living it now (today!), to any degree that you possibly can. I think that this is SO very true- any time I've done something outside my comfort zone, or that I felt a little uneasy about but knew I wanted or needed to do- the rewards have been more than I could have ever imagined. So I'm trying to start living my life that way, and I think that this upcoming trip to Bolivia will be no exception. Really, everything this break has supported my desire to be myself, as fully as I possibly can- reconnecting with friends, visiting NC, meeting & being around Danny, pulling myself back on my feet, working on worrying less, seeing Natan again & having it be okay... Just....everything (!).

Here are some words I love by e.e. cummings that sum up with extraordinary beauty and grace the way I want to live and be in this incredible world:

" i thank You God for most this amazing 

day:for the leaping green spirits of trees

and a blue true dream of sky;and for everything

which is natural which is infinite which is yes

(i who have died am alive again today,

and this is the sun's birthday;this is the birth

day of life and love and wings;and of the gay

great happening illimitably earth)

how should tasting touching hearing seeing

breathing any-lifted from the no

of all nothing-human merely being

doubt unimaginable You?

(now the ears of my ears awake and

now the eyes of my eyes are opened)"

good day sunshine!

With props to Danny, "Good Day Sunshine" by the Beatles has become my new theme song :). We had a really good talk in the car the other night about how shitty break-ups are/life can be sometimes, and how really the only thing to do through it all is to just stay positive. Homeboy is such a gem, I feel blessed to have been able to hang out with him so much over these past few weeks. 

When I came home for winter break, I was this..... broken, exhausted, totally overwhelmed semblance of my former self. I was, literally, worn out. But I can say with total honesty that I have grown and changed and developed SO much over these past six weeks (!). I needed a break, a real one, apart from all of the people and memories and worries that were slowly beginning to break my spirit. It's not all better yet- the past few months brought up a lot of issues and questions about who I am, and who I want to be, and how I want to live [aka- some really essential stuff that'll clearly take awhile ponder fully]. BUT- I feel like I'm doing a stellar job of dealing with everything (!!!!) ( <-- we don't say that to ourselves enough!). I feel like a flower that had almost withered up completely due to insufficient knowledge about its care and needs, but that was revived with tenderness and love and great food and amazing friends and beautiful Florida days and the beginning of a long legacy of self-love :) (not to be cheezy or anything, of course :p).

Life has a new, sunny glow these days. I mean..... nothing's perfect, but it won't ever be and that's okay (even just being able to say that is SUCH a liberating act!). 

"Good day sunshine

  Good day sunshine

  Good day sunshine

  I need to laugh, and when the sun is out

  I've got something I can laugh about

  I feel good, in a special way

  I'm in love and it's a sunny day

  Good day sunshine

  Good day sunshine

  Good day sunshine..."

Now to continue with my read-a-thon. I can do it I can do it I can do it.....

right? (yes!)

Only ONE FULL DAY after today...... that's unbelievable. Like I literally don't believe I'm getting on a plane in two days, but you know what? I'm sure it'll all be alright, and for now- it's a beautiful, sunny afternoon, and I'm not going to worry it away :). 

tres días antes.....

It's Saturday morning.

Tuesday (TUESDAY!!) I will be leaving for Cochabamba, Bolivia, and as this knowledge sinks in, I am beginning to feel a number new emotions, both surprising and somewhat uninvited :P. Prior this point, I'd been feeling mostly: 

1. completely unhinged following my semester from hell, & rather heartbroken

2. excited to be in Gainesville, and

3. the rest of the normal things one feels when living their "normal" life (if this concept even exists... but I digress). 

Now, however, as I begin to realize that in just a few days I'll be embarking upon a journey that I know almost nothing about, I'm starting to feel a bit nervous.

Well.... 

very nervous. Although I think this may primarily stem from anxiety over my having not read ANY of the books I'm supposed to read before I leave. I should probably get on that... I really want to be a better student this semester than I normally am, which means that I should start changing my habits ahorita. 

So off to the land of Bolivian globalization, indigenous struggles, and pages upon pages of facts that no one really needed to know about (I'm kidding.... 

I hope :P).