pictures from La Paz trip a few weeks ago :)

Here's some pictures from awhile ago, a bit delayed but still pretty cool :). I love you!!

The ruins @ Tihuanacu- 

This is la puerta del sol- VERY sacred in Andean cosmovision. 

La Paz & El Alto :) -

This is a mural about the new constitution- to vote YES! 

dried lama fetuses.... part of a ritual in honor of the earth (Pachamama) called a k'oa. 

El Lago Titikaka & the sacred Isla del Sol-

This is of the sacred fountains I mentioned before :).

Carnaval!!! -

may my heart always be open to a little... (19) by E.E. Cummings

may my heart always be open to little

birds who are the secrets of living

whatever they sing is better than to know

and if men should not hear them men are old

may my mind stroll about hungry

and fearless and thirsty and supple

and even if it's sunday may i be wrong

for whenever men are right they are not young

and may myself do nothing usefully

and love yourself so more than truly

there's never been quite such a fool who could fail

pulling all the sky over him with one smile

"and love, love, love.... was all around."

there comes a moment that requires acceptance 

of the fact that 

there really are no answers, or at least not right now.

that there isn't always a place to put all the left over love,

that hearts don't always mend when we want them to.

That love can exist without reason, without rhyme, without return of affection, without feeding of its fire, without even desire for its existence.

That right and wrong sometimes blur, that need and want can seem inseparable.

But that even in the face of such not knowing

there is more.

I am learning that missing, as much as I don't want to,

may just be part of the experience of being alive right now.

part that might hurt (oh yes!), but just one small part of many.

A strong part,

but not stronger than the love that has been given to me all my life.

I am blessed 

to live a life surrounded by love, love of family and friends and community and home.

Yet like so many

I am afraid of what I don't know- afraid to be fully here, afraid to be fully myself, afraid to let go of him, for the uncertainty of what is to come.

I'm afraid, but I'm learning how to let the fear go too, 

para vivir con valentía.

It's funny,

as I write these words I'm also so afraid for them to be read,

because my words are not constructing a perfect,

happy,

glowing,

account of my experiences in Bolivia (although, in reality, SO many moments here have been perfect, happy, & glowing!).

The most basic truth of life, I'm learning,

is that it is never perfect, at least not inherently,

but rather utterly perfect in its imperfection,

in its moments of difficulty and struggle.

Just as we, as people, are utterly beautiful in our own imperfection,

in our struggles to be the best that we can be.

I want to learn to accept this ache 

that exists inside my heart,

and find beauty in the utter uncertainty 

of it all.

To take each moment as it comes,

and find smiles each and every day,

and look up at the sky,

and breathe in the mountains and the birds and wrinkled, dark skin and the smell of saltañas,

and know, know, know,

that "everything is everything,

what's meant to be, will be."

Honey at the Table by Mary Oliver

Honey at the Table

It fills you with the soft

essence of vanished flowers, it becomes

a trickle sharp as hair that you follow 

from the honey pot over the table

and out the door and over the ground,

and all the while it thickens,

grows deeper and wilder, edged

with pine boughs and wet boulders,

pawprints of bobcat and bear, until

deep in the forest you

shuffle up some tree, you rip the bark,

you float into and swallow the dripping combs,

bits of the tree, crushed bees- a taste

composed of everything lost, in which everything was found.

-Mary Oliver

happy february 24th, wishing I had amnesia

"Turn your lights down low

And a-pull your window curtain

Oh let Jah moon come shining in

Into our life again

Saying ooh, it's been a long, long time

I kept this message for your girl

But it seem I was never on time

still I wanna get through to you, girl?

I want to give you some love

I want to give you some good, good loving

Oh I, oh I, Oh I

I want to give you some good, good loving

Turn your lights down low

Never ever try to resist, oh no

Oh let your love come shining in

Into our lives again.

Saying: ooh, I love you (I love you, I love you)

And I want you to know right now

Ooh I love you

And I want you to know right now

That I 

That I

I wanna give you some love

I wanna give you some good, good loving

Oh I, oh I, Oh I

I wanna give you some good, good loving...."

I'm trying really hard these days to distract myself, and am doing a better job (really!), but today would have been our two year, and the only words in my head are

"I love you." 

[I still love you, and I don't know how to stop]

But these are the only words that I'm not allowed to say. 

Shoot me now. 

Although.... it is beautiful in a sort of tragic way that a heart can hold on like this. 

Maybe it'll be better tomorrow.

first week of travel, yaaaay!

This week was utterly amazing.

Here are a few highlights from the very various places we traveled over the past week (in case I failed to mention this before, the program is structured so that we have alternating weeks of class in Cochabamba & travel/activities in other locations. It's awesome!)-

1. La Paz- although not actually the capital of Bolivia, this city is, for all intents & purposes, Bolivia's capital. I was really struck by the city, which felt to me like the Latin American equivalent of Seattle (mostly just architecturally & geographically :) ). In La Paz there was such an immense intermingling of cultures & modes of being- the indigenous with the urban, the modern with the antiquated, the historical with the emergence of new social realities. My favorite was the streets full of fruit, vegetable, bread, and flower venders- rows and rows of fresh food, and people going about their daily lives. I didn't think that I would really like La Paz, as I'm not really much of a city person, generally, but I ended up loving it after all <3. 

In La Paz, we met with an official from Evo's department of foreign affairs, who taught us about Amaran/Andean cosmovision, which is essentially the Andean, indigenous way of looking at the world. It was UTTERLY fascinating to have the opportunity to learn about a completely different world-vision, and even more exciting to learn that, according to this world view, a massive change is about to happen in the world. This ended up being a trend throughout the week- from the mouth of every speaker, regardless of their social group or cultural paradigm, there was an underlying sentiment of hope for the future of Bolivia. There seems to be a general perception that the political and social environment of Bolivia is changing in a BIG way right now, that the slate is finally beginning to clear after years of deep oppression, exploitation of population and land, and economic, cultural, and social colonization. I cannot even express how excited I am to be here at such a monumental time!! In La Paz, we also met with Mamani Mamani, a world-famous Aymaran artist, the World Bank (which was very interesting- the official we spoke with also expressed that the political and social climate in Bolivia today are VERY different from any previous period, resulting in the world bank being more in "check" than ever before), and with a very radical and progressive anarchist, feminist group called las Mujeres Creados, which is comprised of some of the only openly lesbian women in Bolivia. VERY cool :).

2. Tihuanacu- we visited the only-VERY-partially-excavated ruins of this pre-Incan civilization. Is highly advanced culture was in Bolivia for more than 20 centuries, yet very little was known about their way of life until very recently. According to Andean cosmovision, the site is the center of circulating energies in the world, and is thus the site of important religious ceremonies every year. It was really cool, and we had a really sweet, knowledgeable guide named Gabriel, whose father is a famous archeologist that helped excavate the ruins.

 3. El Alto- we visited El Alto, the most densely populated city in Bolivia and Aymaran capital (and also, I believe, the largest indigenous city in the world). The city has historically been a power-house of social change and revolution, its population being a major factor in Bolivia's "independence," in its national revolution, and in obtaining equal rights for its 80% indigenous population. 

4. El Lago Titikaka- I really feel that everyone should got to Lake Titikaka at some point in their life. The lake is an extremely essential and sacred place for many indigenous cultures of the Andes, and the reasons for this important is readily apparent once you've set foot on its banks. There is an energy and a spirit exuding from the lake that I've never felt before. We traveled by boat to the Isla del Sol (the island of the sun), which is the most sacred island on the lake, where we saw incredible Incan ruins of a temple, hiked for an hour, and drank from a sacred fountain. Standing, over-looking the crumbling stone ruins, I was overcome with the beauty and sacredness of the place. I can understand why centuries of people have congregated on the island to purify their bodies, minds, and souls. A little while later we swam in the lake, and it was definitely one of my favorite moments of the trip. No words :).

5. Carnaval- Last, but certainly not least, we went to Carnaval in Oruro, which is probably the largest and most important holiday in Bolivia. Every year, people from all over the world come to Carnaval to celebrate life, to watch or perform a myriad of traditional Bolivian dances (a lot of which were originally the dances of African slaves, but are now performed by non-black Bolivians... very interesting.), and to throw about a million "globos" (water balloons :P) and spray each other with foam. It was unbelievably intense and amazing at the same time. There was a parade in the street from 7AM-5AM the next day. We got up at 5AM as the festival ended to go the final destination, a beautiful Spanish church at the top of a hill. There, groups of dancers, musicians, and participants smooshed together inside of the church, resulting in a truly bizarre cultural interaction, or even, tal vez, "clash." It was also truly bizarre to see that the church was built on top of a MINE, the implications and inferences of which are endlessly fascinating to ponder (Spain's interactions with Bolivia were inextricably connected with exploitation of Bolivia's natural resources, so it is shockingly unsurprising that a church and a mine shared the same location). Then the whole group filled a field outside the church and listened to music, danced, and drank until the sunrise. Again, no words. I have already seen more amazing things this month than in my whole life prior to this point. 

Well, I'll add some pictures later. Love to all @ home!!

sunflower baby

Right now the background picture on my computer is a beautiful, smiling girl in a white dress, spinning round & round in a field of sunflowers.

This is how I want to be, how I want to see myself and feel within myself- like a smiling, laughing angel baby, surrounded by beauty and in love with herself.

I've been thinking about self-love a lot lately, because as Haley said on the phone last night- in al the newness that surrounds me here in Bolivia, the one constant thing is, in reality, just me. This is a hard fact when one feels as though she knows almost nothing about herself, but I want earnestly and deeply to learn.

Some days, I wish that I could be someone else for awhile. Mostly other young women I know who seem so strong and together and... just utterly beautiful and alive in the world. I know that every single person has insecurities, and I know that we all have struggles (really!). But sometimes I just wish that, at least for a moment, I could magically become someone else that seems to be herself in a more profound way.

I also know, however, that we all have masks that we put up to hide our inner-most selves, and that to really know a person is to realize that we all have difficult parts inside of us. All of us. And that to really love yourself means seeing these difficult parts and loving yourself anyway- not in spite of the difficult parts, but because of them. They are what make us unique and rare and lovely little "human-beans" :) that can learn and grow and change, show compassion to others and fiercely love. I want to learn to cradle my broken, hurting parts and to shine a new light of love and forgiveness into my own heart, because only then will I begin to really live in the way that I want to, and only then can I really begin to love others in utter completeness :).

I'm envisioning myself in that field of sunflowers right now. I'm envisioning myself as part of this beautiful world, as part of all things lovely, blossoming, and new :). I get scared a lot (oh yes I do...), but I can keep coming back to this metaphorical field inside of myself for renewal and time to just be me- naked and utterly alive as I am. 

I thank God or the Universe or Pachamama or the great sun goddess or whomever (!) for this beautiful day, and for dear, lovely (!!) friends who lift me up with the strength of their love. I love you all so dearly, & miss each & every one of you!

Love, love, & more love,

Hailey

a little food for thought...

Here's a quote from a reading that I did the other night, which was about the struggles of a certain group of Aymaras (one of two largest indigenous populations in Bolivia). I thought that it was SO pertinent to understanding both the Bolivia today and the Bolivia of the past (which, naturally, are inextricably linked). So here it is :) -

"This need for self-determination [that of the Aymaras] signifies both a desire, thus far frustrated, to participate in a national-popular program with truly democratic and pluralist roots. At the same time, it reflects the will to maintain a separate identity and to spread ideas sustained by Indian cultural autonomy. This obviously creates a serious challenge for Bolivian society, whose elite classes, in the habit of equating themselves with the country itself, have systematically tended to ignore the country's real demography and social diversity in favor of a monolithic plan for a Western-style nation." - from "Oppressed by Not Defeated" by Silvia Rivera Cusicanqui

This quote, to me, represents the struggle of Bolivia in a nutshell, most importantly highlighting the exciting and intensely important quality the nation's present struggles. Evo Morale and his administration's undying support of the indigenous struggle and desire to truly decolonize Bolivia speak volumes against the structurally-violent dominant world order that has historically served only to exploited Bolivia. Additionally, the nation's new constitution (put into place only a week ago!) is the first document in the nation's history to truly & earnestly affirm, celebrate, and protect the nation's historical ethnic, cultural, geographical, and social diversity, affirming that Bolivia is a pluri-national country. It seems that for the first time in Bolivia's history, as pointed out by my history teacher (who was once the governor of Cochabamba), there exists a movement that unites the struggles of class, ethnicity, and patriotism, which is way change is finally occurring in the magnitude that it is. Thus, the present is a truly monumental time to be in Bolivia. Despite its being the poorest nation in South America & despite its historically severe oppression of the majority of its population, Bolivia is moving towards coherently & holistically addressing the above mentioned struggles. Yes, these issues are "a serious challenge for Bolivian society," the government of Evo Morales is far from perfect, and Bolivia certainly has a very difficult road ahead. Yet, there is a resilience and a willingness to stand-up in the population here that is ultimately simply extraordinary. What a nation, this Bolivia (!!). I feel endlessly blessed to be here.

a note of love & appreciation :)

Just wanted to send some love to everybody back home, as it's supposedly "Valentine's Day" or something like that :P.

I love you all so deeply, and appreciate your care, support, & love more than I can even express (!!). You mean the world to me, no matter where in the world I am :).

Happy Valentine's Day, I love you very much :)!

más fotos, si puedo ponderlas :)

Me, at the old hacienda we visited for lunch during our visit to Tarata. 

Annnd, Tarata- a lovely pueblo that I may go back to to do my independent research, @ el tecnologico agropecuario, but we'll see :). 

This moment changed my life. My host family took me to the top of a mountain (something like 20 kms up), and it was mind-blowing, life-changing, earth-shattering immenseness and beauty and.... just life, in its most naked, breathing form. I don't even know how else to describe it. Suddenly all there was in the world was the greenness of the mountain's curves, the whipping wind, the immenseness of the sky, and the closeness of the clouds.... I have never felt so alive and so small and so completely of and in the world as I felt at that moment. Every idealized picture you've ever seen of the Andean mountains is dead on, no exaggeration. 

It felt like the clouds were inches away... 

With my boos/host siblings :), Andres & Andre. 

Mountains, with a view of Cochabamba in the background.

There was herd of cows & sheep & lamas. Unbelievable (!).

Clouds!

This is sideways, but we were literally at the top of a mountain. That little speck is my host brother, Andres :).

My room at the house :).

This is a heart that's painted on the tree-house in our backyard. I kind of love it :).

Water fight in the backyard/out the window/in the bathroom!!!! My host dad was involved too, hehe, and it was pretty hysterical :). 

so......

so I can't believe that these words are really coming out of my mouth for, literally, like the 20th time (sorry to all of you that have had to hear it all 20 times, hehe)- but I am seriously closing the door on the section of my life where I spend all my time feeling heartbroken about Natan.

I'm so SO over it (the feeling heartbroken part, that is). 

Especially as I am Bolivia. And especially as I have no idea how I feel or what I want, and the only way to really, sustainably, and healthfully do that is to take space right now, and just not worry about it anymore. 

Looking back, it was pretty silly to think that just being here would make all of the hurt of that whole situation evaporate, but I really do believe that there is power in the present moment, and plus, our last email exchange has left me feeling 1. unbelievably aggravated 2. over feeling depressed/sad/longing for him alllll the time and 3. really tired of not being able to say how I really feel (as in, trying to be cold & straight forward & suggest space when what I really mean is "but... I still love you & if I wasn't still 85% convinced that our being together would be a total disaster I would do it, baaaaah, HELP!!" It's a bit funny, but sadly that is really how my mind works sometimes :P). 

Anyhow, I am ready to take a break from all that shit. Seriously.

Subsequently, however, I'm also going to be a less frequent visitor to the internet, as I feel like it's preventing me from really taking the space I need right now, to figure my life out & what not. 

I'll post some pictures right now though, it'll be great :). 

I would also like to observe, however, that despite all of this left-over emotional stuff, I feel like I am learning SO much everyday- about Bolivia, about how I want to live, and about who I am & how to best love myself. Which, all things considered, makes this time pretty frickin cool :). Love <3!

ay.

It's frustrating how you can go to another country, but all that you carry inside still comes right along with you. 

I'm trying so hard to be brave & be my own person & live with my eyes wide open, but my heart is still this shattered broken thing & I'm finding it hard to be brave.

Where do you find strength when it doesn't seem to be inside of you? (yet even now as I write this, I know that it is, if only buried deep).

If nothing else, I'm certainly learning how to be gentle & kind to and with myself in vulnerable moments like these.

Sending many thoughts of love... -Hailey

algunas fotos, finalmente!

I think that this picture pretty much says it all.

Here are a few more though, just for kicks :).

Some of my wonderful group members, @ the airport after flying all night [which feels like so long ago, but it's only been a week!!].

The room in our hotel (before homestays), where we had orientation for 4 days (isn't it pretty???). 

Here's a picture of the ritual I described in an earlier post. That's Ismael's wife, who's a hari krishna (sp?).

Here I am, in Bolivia, claramente :).

Here's a closer-up one :P.

Christine & Sarah & I [I love them already :)].

Cochabamba, en total!

Part of the view from atop la montaña :).

Cochabamba!

More Cochabamba, near the central plaza.

Here's some cuties from my group- Jackie, Maya, Will, Sarah, Sarah, Christine, & Aaron.

My host sister, Andrea :).

The gorgeous view from my host family's window.

La casa de mi familia boliviana :).

This is the biggest Christ statue in the world, and it is in Cochabamba. Yes, that's right, you know you wish you had one!!

Yessssss Bolivia :)!!!!!! Well, more later, te amo!!

overwhelmed & HOW.

I think that the only way to describe how I'm feeling is.......... overwhelmed. 

This is not necessarily a bad thing it's just..... the reality of the moment, I think. So much is happening, and so fast, and so intensely, and I feel like I have to be on my toes all the time- seeing, hearing, speaking, observing, learning, feeling, being. It's hard. It's really hard in a new place that's overwhelming on it's own, I think, but it's also just really hard in Spanish.  

I'm not complaining- there's really nothing to complain about here. I just haven't quite adapted yet to this feeling of continuous exhaustion that accompanies all that I do here. It's just.... constant stimulus- of living with a family, & one with small children, of constantly needing to listen SUPER intently in order to understand and the constant, really intense struggle to form correct & coherent sentences, the intensity of a new, big city, the intensity of a new & vibrant culture, the intensity of an independently REALLY intense academic program & schedule, the intensity of a new group of friends that I'm trying to know, and the intensity of feeling like you need to be doing it all, all the time.........

BAH. So I guess overwhelming and intense are the words of the moment, which, as I said, is NOT a bad thing, it's just a thing, & I think it's one that reflects the magnitude of all that I'm experiencing here. 

Nevertheless- I'm still so in love with Bolivia. And I think after a few weeks have gone by and I'm not quite so overwhelmed/exhausted, I'll be able to feel a little more centered/calm in my own skin :). So yeah. Con calma, todo va a ser bien :). 

en la casa de mi familia boliviana :)

I wish that I'd had the time to write during every single moment over the past 5 days, because every single moment there's been something worth writing about.

This country is astoundingly beautiful and complex, rich and poor, deep and wide and intense and awe-inspiring. I can't believe that I've been blessed enough to go on this program. I am completely overwhelmed- with the newness and immenseness of all around me, with the speed at which everything seems to be happening, with my lack-of-spanish skills, with my exhaustion, and with the magnitude of that which I am & am going to experience this semester. 

Here are a few of the highlights/thought/observations from the past 5 days. I wish I could write a whole entry about each one, but I only have time for a few at this juncture :). 

                   1. never before have I felt so instantly at home and comfortable with a group of people as I feel with my SIT group. It's just SO not an environment of judgement or cliquishness or competition or....... anything like that. Everyone seems open and mature, and fun and really just... lovely :). As such, I anticipate forming beautiful friendships :) this semester with people in my group, as well as having a strong body of support for all that's to follow (I feel so blessed for this!!!). 

                2. really, this entire program has already amazed me. The academic directors, Ismael and Heidi, are warm, understanding, intelligent, bright, helpful, passionate, and just generally incredible, and have organized a program that is absolutely amazing in its scope, depth, and diversity. Every day so far I've had at least one moment where I've thought to myself..... is this seriously happening right now????? They have and are going to provide us with SO many opportunities- we're going to have history class with the ex-governor of Cochabamba, have a week-long stay in a rural village with families that speak only Quechua, have Spanish classes that cover only topics that integrate well with all else that we're learning, go on almost 20 days of travel around the country (including Carneval!!)......... yeah :). Anyone that's thinking about going abroad in a Latin American country should consider this program. Absolutely :). 

              3. the trip to Bolivia and the day that followed were definetly the longest of my life, but also the most unbelievably full. I felt like I'd been with my group for at least a week already because we traveled together all night and then didn't sleep until the one that followed. The first day was full of orientation time and food with Heidi and Ismael, and that night we went to Isamel's for a dinner and "ritual." The ritual, which is called a "k'oa," is a ceremony in celebration of the earth, or "La Pachamama." We sat in a circle outside around a fire, and first passed around a bunch of long reeds, and brushed our bodies with them to become cleansed. Next, Ismael's wife (who led the ritual) came to each person with an array of spices and foods, and an alter of coca leaves and other gifts to Pachamama, and we each placed a little bit of each spice and food into the alter for La Pachamama and then coca leaves for each person we wanted to bless in that moment. Then, after every person had finished, the alter was placed in the fire. Then we took two types of alcohol and each offered a small amount of each to the north, east, south, and west by pouring a little bit from the glass in each direction, and finally all stood and quietly watched the fire burn. The ritual in its entirety was spiritually-enriching in a deep, earth-connected way that I'd never before experienced. I want so badly to learn more about the Andean connection the earth, because it's sacredness is already so aparrent.

       4. most of the second day involved a "drop-off," which meant that after going to the top of a mountain upon which stands a MASSIVE statue of Christ and looking out over the city of Cochabamba (yay!), we rode these crazy ski-lift-bubble-type-car-things down the side of a mountain, to a part of Cochabama we didn't know about/had never been to before and had to (in groups of two) find a location about which we only knew the name. It was a terrifying/ completely empowering experience that began with Sarah and my receiving many confusing and incorrect directions in spanish, figuring out the Cochabamban transportation system, and feeling VERY gringa-like & confused (which.... we were :P), but ended with us finding out that Aldeas SOS is an organization that supports and empowers single mothers in order to reduce rates of child abandonment (we got to speak to Teresa, who has been the director of the center for more than 10 years, and meet some of the children). Overall, it was a successful venture :). 

         5. the night before last was the dinner party with all of the host families and students at a hotel that had the most incredible gardens in its atrium that I've ever seen (note- it involved a monkey). It was an overwhelming and incredible experience that involved lots of awkward silences due to my lack of Spanish skills (this will be a trend..... ay), TONS of amazing Bolivian dancing to live music (my host dad is a complete bad-ass when it comes to Bolivian dance. I don't think I've ever had fun dancing!!), running around with my host siblings playing tag and hide and go seek, and lots of cariño from all of the host moms :). Which leads to the next point which is.....

           6. my host family is lovely :)- loving, sweet, intelligent, and chill. I already love them, but I'm a little stressed about my lack of Spanish skills. I can definitely communicate with them, but as for normal conversing and not seeming like a totally boring and mute person....... that'd be a NO so far. Well..... I might be exaggerating a bit :P, but really, I feel anxious about them not liking me because I can't really be myself because I can't speak Spanish!!! BAH!!!! [I also know that this will improve, poco a poco con mucha paciencia :).]

         7. this is the last thing and then I need to go finish my homework, but I'm starting to really feel ready to be my own person- do my own thing and live my own life, sin boy. Deep down I'm still really scared of being alone, but being here has already begun to show me that I'm a. really cool :) and b. capable of living my own life AND making it magnificent (!!!). This is amazing to me, and is really significant in my evolution as a person, I think :). I mean..... I still really miss having a boyfriend alot of the time, am still really in love with Natan, and am still boy-focused to a degree that I find minorly disturbing, but I think that all these things are slowing shifting and turning in a way that is overwhelmingly healing. I feel really hopeful and excited about that :).

Well, I'll write more soon, but I'm sending SO much love to everyone back home- te extraño muchísimo, and te quiero más :)!!