sunflower baby

Right now the background picture on my computer is a beautiful, smiling girl in a white dress, spinning round & round in a field of sunflowers.

This is how I want to be, how I want to see myself and feel within myself- like a smiling, laughing angel baby, surrounded by beauty and in love with herself.

I've been thinking about self-love a lot lately, because as Haley said on the phone last night- in al the newness that surrounds me here in Bolivia, the one constant thing is, in reality, just me. This is a hard fact when one feels as though she knows almost nothing about herself, but I want earnestly and deeply to learn.

Some days, I wish that I could be someone else for awhile. Mostly other young women I know who seem so strong and together and... just utterly beautiful and alive in the world. I know that every single person has insecurities, and I know that we all have struggles (really!). But sometimes I just wish that, at least for a moment, I could magically become someone else that seems to be herself in a more profound way.

I also know, however, that we all have masks that we put up to hide our inner-most selves, and that to really know a person is to realize that we all have difficult parts inside of us. All of us. And that to really love yourself means seeing these difficult parts and loving yourself anyway- not in spite of the difficult parts, but because of them. They are what make us unique and rare and lovely little "human-beans" :) that can learn and grow and change, show compassion to others and fiercely love. I want to learn to cradle my broken, hurting parts and to shine a new light of love and forgiveness into my own heart, because only then will I begin to really live in the way that I want to, and only then can I really begin to love others in utter completeness :).

I'm envisioning myself in that field of sunflowers right now. I'm envisioning myself as part of this beautiful world, as part of all things lovely, blossoming, and new :). I get scared a lot (oh yes I do...), but I can keep coming back to this metaphorical field inside of myself for renewal and time to just be me- naked and utterly alive as I am. 

I thank God or the Universe or Pachamama or the great sun goddess or whomever (!) for this beautiful day, and for dear, lovely (!!) friends who lift me up with the strength of their love. I love you all so dearly, & miss each & every one of you!

Love, love, & more love,

Hailey