two weeks from today......

I will be in GAINESVILLE (whoohooo!).

It's crazy, this semester has

flown by. It definitely doesn't

feel like a whole semester, more like....... an extra-extended

trip. But, as always seems to be the case with time, when I

think back on all that I've

seen

felt

experienced

loved

struggled with

felt joy over

found

journeyed through and to.....

it does seem like a long time. A really long time, in fact (!). I love this country more and more every day, and look forward to the next time I'll be able to come back (hopefully next summer!), but I must say that I am simultaneously SO ready to go home. I'm ready to be with those that I love, in a culture that is mine [for better or for worse, when you leave you really realize that no matter how shitty certain elements of our culture are, it's ours. And it'll always be (very weird to realize this, especially 4 a serious critic like myself heh :p) ], and in places that are comforting. I've been listening to this meditation book on tape, and it talks a lot about releasing the need for comfort and for having ground under our feet, but I'm not quite there yet. I look forward to seeing everythingthat I love in the US with new, open eyes, and to realizing all of the subtle things I've learned here that I haven't even realized yet.

I'm also scared about some things, which I think is pretty normal: am I idealizing life at home? (I think that the answer is definitely yes to this one); will I have a harder time re-integrating than I think I will? (maybe? hard to anticipate); will Natan decide that he doesn't actually think it's a good idea 4 me to come up to NC? (impossible to anticipate that one, heh, but I think I'm doing a pretty reasonable job rolling with it, yay!); and then, this bigger, nagging worry, which I feel like just comes from uprooting my life alot recently: what if everything that I love about my life has changed while I was gone, or changes when I get home, and I'm left to rebuild all over again?

I think that last one is really just a reflection of how uprooted I feel at the moment. On a deeper level, I know that I have the strength, flexibility, and support to do whatever needs to happen, and that the changes in life are often what brings about the most valuable experiences and passings :).

I know all this, but I just get scared sometimes :p!

Anyhow, these days I'm just trying to work on/wrap up my independent project, which has honestly been relatively unsuccessful in a..... technical, "objective" sense, but which in a learning about yourself & living & Bolivia sense has been incredibly wonderful.

I just can't believe I'm leaving in two weeks. Love me, I'm scared! Hehe, but really- yay for me, and yay for Bolivia. There were definitely MANY moments last semester when I thought that there was no way I could come because I was in such a bad place personally. But, at the risk of sounding very conceited, I would like to just give myself I big "GO ME!!!" for being here, and living all this, and coming out (hopefully) a. ok :).

Love and miss you all SO much! hughughug :)

Warisata

 Vive Los Ponchos Rojos!

On Commitment by Goethe

Until one is committed there is always hesitancy,

the chance to draw back, always ineffectiveness,

there is one elementary truth,

there ignorance of which kills countless ideas and splended plans:

the moment one definetly commits oneself, then providence moves too.

All sorts of things occur to help that would never otherwise have occurred.

A whole stream of events issue from the decision,

Raising to one´s favor all manner of unforeseen accidents and meetings

And material assistance which no man [or woman!] could have dreamed

Would come his way.

Whatever you can do or dream you can begin it.

Boldness have genius, power and magic in it.

life in el alto

Here is a brief summary of what I´ve been feeling this past week:

- overwhelm
- elation
- extreme fear and anxiety
- awe
- like I´m the most blessed person in the world
- lost
- joyful
-aware
- completely unaware
- like the most competent person ever annnd...
- completely incapable of doing anything haha.

So basically I´ve been super all over the place, but it really makes sense considering my life right now. I´m learning alot about being with myself, because I´ve been facing some pretty extreme feelings of loneliness (this happens to me alot, but it´s alot more extreme here where I´m living in a city that I don´t know, & that is also pretty dangerous (I´ve been robbed once already, and then had my purse slit yesterday. Bah.), am facing some of the most intense cultural differences I´ve ever experienced, and am just living a completely novel life.)

BUT, I´ve also been listening to this recording about buddhist meditation, and I feel like I really need to stop letting my fear stop\block me from living to my fullest. So I´m not going to let it!

I´m learning that sometimes fear and loneliness and anxiety are just part of the deal, just part of the journey of doing incredible, extremely different things and living different kinds of experiences. I´m also learning a lot about loving myself no matter what, and about realizing that the stability and comfort that I need are really already inside of me. And that´s a no matter what kind of thing :).

Growing is soooo painful sometimes, but definetly worth it. Def :).

I love you!

p.s.- last Saturday was potentially the most powerful day of my entire life, but I sort of don´t feel like it´s apropriate\sensitive to publish the info here. Needless to say- I was able to go to a community called Warisata for the community´s anniversary celebration, and it was... I can´t even describe it. Mindblowing at the very least. You should ask me about it tho, it´s a story worth the telling.

my lips are sunburnt, but it´s all good :p!

Hi everybody! So as it turns out, I am not actually in the campo. I AM in La Paz slash El Alto tho, but let me explain :).

So I got here on Monday evening with my friend Moto, who´s doing a different project on this group called Mujeres Creando en La Paz. Felix, my advisor dude, picked me up in El Alto at this place called ¨La Ceja,¨which I thought meant ¨bridge¨but which actually just refers to that part of El Alto (ceja actually means eyebrow... cough). Anyhow, he took me to this hostel where I was going to live for at least a few days, and we talked a little bit (vaguely... but that´s kind of normal), and then a little while later we ended up going to this organization called UNO, which stands for unión de naciónes originarias (union of orginal (like, indigenous) nations) where I met some cool Bolivian men and this guy Jesús Rojas, who is this TERRIFYING looking man who I´d seen before at this event about the Ponchos Rojos. That day, he was wearing his red poncho and the whole deal and I remember thinking to myself, ´I have never seen anyone so serious looking before. He looks like he´s about to like... a eat a fucking baby.´ The Ponchos Rojos, I learned that day, are an indigneous nation (I guess?) here in Bolivia, that are historically kind of war like and very politically active (they´re a major reason why the gas war of 2003 succeeded).

Little did I know then that I would now be living in Jesús´home. Which is what I´m doing. My life just got a little bit unbelievable, but I don´t want to jinx it :p.

But wait, first of all, some important info that I´m not sure I already mentioned:
I´m here because Felix wanted a student to come do a study about community justice in indigenous communities. Because Felix wrote a book about the ponchos rojos, he has a lot of contacts with some of their communities (enter, Jesús), and it´s a really important time for this subject to be researched because the new const. says that there are to be two equally important judicial systems in bolivia- the traditional, western based system, and then the community justice system of indigenous communities. However, the whole thing is very complicated, and thus is a very pertinent theme. BUT, Felix told me very little about what I´m slash we´re doing before I came, so it´s all been a bit unclear. But awesome.

So I´m living in El Alto, first in a hostel and thens as of 2 days ago in Jesús´ house. It´s SO different from anything I´ve experienced up to this point, and I´ve had the great challenge of learning how to be in\live in\navigate these two massive cities all on my own. At first it made me super anxious and reminded me of when I was alone in the Dominican (veeeery bad), but now I think I´m really starting to get a hang of it all. I´ve already had a really good interview with someone who works i nteh department of indigenous affairs in El Alto, went to another meeting at UNO (not terribly relevant 2 my theme, but I met alot of really wonderful middle aged Bolivian men :P), and am ¨doing¨alot of reading on the subject that I´ll later get to discuss with Jesús. He is the most badass man in the world, by the way. Although he looks super intense, he is incredibly kind and caring, and also just happens to be a leading figure in the fight for indigenous rights in this area and also just generally super, super amazing.

Anyhow, I´m not sure what information I´m going to end up with exactly, but I´m going to this community called Warisata tomorrow for an anniversary event (yes, the actual campo!). And then we´ll see! I love living with Jesús and his family, but it´s a situation of much more direct poverty than I´m used to (both in the home and in the community), which I think is a pretty invaluable experience.

I don´t want to jinx what´s happening, I really don´t, but I am slightly astounded by what´s going on in my life. In a good way. I love & miss you all!!

p.s.- yesterday was the ¨one month until you´re in your house´ point. WTF??????????? I am simultaneously SO ready and SO not ready. What a weird but wonderful life I´ve found myself in :). Love yoU!

also

I am so nervous, bah!!!! But I am going to devote my whole self to this experience, and it will be wonderful <3. 

I love you!

pre-campo (maybe!) activities

1. finish alllll my millions of assignments (finish my CDS work journal, write my ISP proposal, human subjects form, logistical info sheet, baaaah). 

2. figure out HOW I finally just got my first flea bites. I'm not even en the campo yet, shit.

3. read as much as I can about community justice in bolivia and indigenous culture in the altiplano

4. buy a blanket & socks, and maybe another jacket? (it's going to be very cold!)

5. pacccccck, enough stuff 4 2-3 weeks!

6. buy my bus ticket for tomorrow @ 1PM (eek!)

7. make sure I have all my electronics that I'll need (phone, recorder & batteries, camera, & iPod) & that it's all charged

8. try not to worry about the fact that I have NO CLUE WHAT I'M DOING!!!

9. meet with my academic director tonight to talk details

10. go in the morning to turn in work/get my money 4 the trip/pick up some books I'll need to read

11. be realllllly excited because I'M LEAVING TOMORROW FOR A COMPLETELY UNKNOWN ADVENTURE, eeeeeee!!!!!!! :)

I'm not sure exactly when I'll be back, but it should be around May 1st (I'm coming back to Cochabamba to write my final paper). Then we have final presentations & such, then I come home, craaaaaaazy!!!!!!!!

I love you all, & I'll talk to you once I have access to technology again!

?????!!!!!!!!!!??????

I AM LEAVING ON MONDAY TO GO TO EL ALTO (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!). 

Whaaaaaaaaat????

I also would just like to say that I have the most amazing friends in the world <3.

"When Death Comes" by Mary Oliver

When death comes

like a hungry bear in autumn;

when death comes and takes all the bright coins from his purse

to buy me, and snaps the purse shut;

when death comes

like measles-pox;

when death comes

like an iceberg between the shoulder blades,

I want to step through the door full of curiosity, wondering:

what is it going to be like, that cottage of darkness?

And therefore I look upon everything

as a brotherhood and a sisterhood,

and I look upon time as no more than an idea,

and I consider eternity as another possibility,

and I think of each life as a flower, as common

as a field daisy, and as singular,

and each name a comfortable music in the mouth

tending as all music does, toward silence,

and each body a lion of courage, and something 

precious to the earth.

When it's over, I want to say: all my life

I was a bride married to amazement.

I was the bridegroom, taking the world into my arms.

When it is over, I don't want to wonder

if I have made of my life something particular, and real.

I don't want to find myself sighing and frightened,

or full of argument.

I don't want to end up simply having visited the world.

*sigh*

So I've kind of been having a rocky past few days. Well. Week, really.

It's a combination of a lot of things. 1. I started taking this random Bolivian brand of birth control, and I think it's making me minorly insane [awesome]; 2. I'm feeling reaaaaaally stressed out because today officially marks the beginning of our "ISP," or independent study project, period and I still do not have a topic. I'm also the only one the group that doesn't have a topic & this is veeeeery hard, esp 4 a planner like me. I'm trying to believe that the reason why I'm still without a topic is because something amazing is going to come that I can't even imagine yet, buuuut.....

the clock is ticking, and I still don't know. baaaaaah. 

I also may have to decide between traveling, living in the campo, and doing something VERY intense but also very cool, and something that is a little less cool but that would allow me to stay in Cochabamba, with my family & around friends and all that. I feel like the former would be a better choice, but I also feel like I'm not in the best place emotionally (still. WHEN am I going to be good again. When??). *sigh*.... similarly....

3. I know that I need to be patient, but I'm just feeling very frustrated with myself. I wish that I could be thriving & happy & independent & free, but instead I still feel like this broken, dependent, struggling thing. I know that these things take time, but I feel like I'm wasting my life away pining for someone that (so fucking ironically) I broke up with in the first place, but that now clearly has no desire to have me in his life anymore (*cough*, clarification- this is not actually as "clear" as I'm implying it to be. But that's really how it feels). 

'he tried hard to help me/you know he put me @ ease/and he loved me so naughty made me weak in the knees/I wish I had a river I could skate away on/I'm so hard to handle/I'm selfish, and I'm sad/Now I've gone and lost the best baby that I ever had/Oh I wish I had a river/I could skate away on/I made my baby say goodbye...." (somehow Joni always manages to say it better than anyone :) )

In sum, I'm feeling kind of pathetic at the moment. Why can I not just get it together? Sometimes I wish I was someone else, or that I could go to sleep for months and wake up to a whole new life. Or not be so melodramatic ha :P. Either way, I just can't seem to find my way these days, and I'm not quite sure why. 

It's a little rough.

"Many the Miles" by Sara Bareilles

"There's too many things I haven't done yet

Too many sunsets

I haven't seen.

I can't waste the day wishing it'd slow done,

You would have thought by now 

I'd have learned something. 

I made up my mind when I was young girl,

I've been given this one world, I won't worry it away.

Now again I lose sight of the good life, I get stuck in a low light,

but then love comes in.

How far do I have to go to get to you, many the miles...

I'd be happy too, follow you love.

Red-letter day and I'm in a blue mood,

Wishing that blue would just carry me away

I've been talking to God don't know 

if it's helping or not 

But surely something has got to got to got to give

Cause I can't keep waiting to live!!

How far do I have to go to get to you

Many the miles, many the miles....

Oh send me the miles, I'll be happy to

Follow you  Love

There's too many things I haven't done yet

There's too many sunsets I haven't seen."

[side note- as I said to my friend Moto earlier today, I want to arrive home in a month brave, independent, and stunning Hailey. Now just to stop eating everything in sight, and to become brave... and also independent hehe :P. I'm working on it :).]

inspiration from faraway places

Shelini e-mailed me back today :). Hearing from her made me feel like I need to get my ass in gear & do a fantabulous, incredibly ethical, & critical-thought-inducing independent field research project. I don't know what I'd do if not for her & her classes- they really have changed everything about the way I think & view the world. I only hope that I can do her justice & sustain it, no matter where I am or how much time has passed since having her as my teacher & mentor!

"Don't ask yourself what the 

world needs.

Ask yourself what makes you

come alive, and then go and 

do that.

Because what the world needs is

people who have come alive."

-Harold Whitman

and also.....

" -'oooooh, you're so boring.'

   -'What?'

   -'I said you're boring. Look at you. You're sad. Again. You're like a big, black hole.'

   -'Excuse me, but I just-'

   -'Fefe always said, regrets are a waste of time. They're the past crippling you in the present.'

   -'I just, I just got here, I just walked in the door-'

   -'How are you ever going to be happy if you keep wallowing? Listen, when I was a little girl, I used to spend hours looking for ladybugs. Finally, I'd just give up and fall asleep in the grass. When I woke up, they were crawling all over me.'

   -'So??'

   -'So go work on your house, and forget about it. I said GO!'

   -'I'm going!!' "

 

I feel like this has such direct implications for my life right now (or maybe I just think that b/c I've been watching the movie semi-obsessively, haha :P). The other day, I was curled up in my bed, and just said to myself, "Hailey: you're IN BOLIVIA." And it was like.... a novel concept to me. This makes no sense, obviously- I've been doing and learning and experiencing about 50 zillion things since I've been here, but at the same time there's been a string connecting my heart to home (well.... to certain people, really).

I'm going to try my best to forget about it, and then maybe all the ladybugs will come :). Or something else even better, but until I let go, I'll just keep spinning around and around in my head like I have been, and that just won't do at all. 

I love you <3. 

under the tuscan sun

" -'I think you're in danger.'

   - 'Of?'

   - 'Of never recovering. You know when you come across one of those empty shell people, and you think, what the hell happened to you? Well there came a time in each one of those lives, where they were standing at a crossroads-

   - 'A crossroads? God that is so Oprah-'

   - 'At a place where they had to decide to turn left or right. This is no time to be a chicken shit, Francis.'

   - "I'm not being a chicken shit, Patty. I'm not!'

   - 'Just promise me you'll think about it.'

   - 'I'll think about it, ok? I'll think about it.' "

the time that Hailey almost got arrested in Bolivia

Yes. You heard me right hehe. 

So two nights ago, I was at a bar-type-thing with a bunch of friends (there were 5 of us), taking part in a k'oa (which is this ritual for the Pachamama, I think I wrote about it the first week I got here). We were just chillin, drinking some beers, when all the sudden we noticed that the national police had come in. They asked this group of men next to us if they could see their documents (while we secretly freaked out, b/c we didn't have ours w/ us, BAH). Then they asked us if we had our passports. Which is didn't (duh), but nor did we have our copies (VERY stupidly). So there were like, well you have to come with us for a minute then. Which, we did, but what we didn't realize was that they meant downtown to the national police station. We had to get in one of those  police trucks w/ an open back w/ seats & the massive metal-bar framework thing (do you know what I mean?), with like 10 other gringos & they drove us to the station. They told us nothing about what was happening.

Once we got to the station, we drove in & they told us all to stand against the wall (also take into account that these are men w/ massive guns, alot of them masked). Then they proceeded to say no more to us, while they continued to bring in more & more gringos (there were prob like 30 or so of us) & some VERY upset & confused Bolivians. To make a long story short- we called our academic directors & Patty, who works in the office, came to rescue us but they wouldn't let her in (they'd locked the doors) or talk to her. So she had to go to InterPol (the international police), & try to convince them to let us out.... to which the original response was that she had to have a lawyer for each of us. 

We were in there for more than an hr, probably like 2, with veeeery little idea of what was going on. It was simultaneous terrifying & hilarious (I mean, we knew we were going to get out, but like..... men with guns??? really??). Finally Patty was able to get in & verify who we were with our passports, which she just happened to have in her bag b/c she was taking them to immigration on Monday morning. She told us later that if she hadn't have had our passports, we would most likely still be in Bolivian prison.

While that WOULD be a story to tell the grandchildren, I'm pretty glad that it all worked out the way it did, & that I wasn't just a random traveller without anyone to bail me out.

Well, you know.... just another day in the Bolivian life :p.

The Swan by Mary Oliver

Did you see it, drifting, all night, on the black river?

Did you see it in the morning, rising into the silvery air-

An armful of white blossoms,

A perfect commotion of silk and linen as it leaned

into the bondage of its wings; a snowbank, a bank of lilies,

Biting the air with its black beak?

Did you hear it, fluting and whistling

A shrill dark music- like the rain pelting the trees- like a waterfall

Knifing down the black ledges?

And did you see it, finally, just under the clouds-

A white cross Streaming across the sky, its feet

And did you feel it, in your heart, how it pertained to everything?

And have you too finally figured out what beauty is for?

And have you changed your life?

los salares de uyuni

Howdy! Here are pictures of our trip to the salt flats of Bolivia, slash the other realllllly cool stuff that's in that region. We travelled in SUVs for 3 days to these completely isolated natural wonders. It was really incredible, & also incredibly exhausting :P!

Salt Flats!

Salt Hotel. Everything was literally made of salt (we didn't stay there, but I wish we had!).

This is how a lot of of families in the salt flats make their living- by harvesting salt to sell in for consumption (mmmm :P).

This cactus was almost a thousand years old.

Yay!!

Our "jeeps."

Friends. Although Sarah's face looks really weird, hehe :P.

This is the pilot plant for lithium extraction. VERY big modern issue in Bolivia.

I love train tracks, it takes me back in time :). 

A tiny pueblo, & an old Incan gravesite- those stone structures are the graves.

An Incan. yeeeeeeek..

Will, being.... Will.

Note the smoke. It's a volcano!

"what what??? am I really in a field of llamas????"

"Will, show me how you feel about being in a sweltering hot jeep for 4 hours today?" (the sentiment was shared, bah!)

The rules @ "stinky lake" (I kid you not).

fussyyyyyyyyyyyy

 

the "stone tree."

I had not idea that this was what I was taking a picture of, but PLEASE observe the hilarity of this hahahaha.

Llamas llamas llamas llamas llamas. I really wanted one to spit one me, but that dream is yet to be realized :P.

YEEEEE!!!!!! at the "pink lake."

We visited/were kind of on an active volcano, which was eerily reminescent of the Land Before Time :P. 

La laguna "verde," con amigos. Please observe my hair :P.

Me, in this part of Bolivia that looks soooo much like Zion National Park.

I love Bolivia, I really really do <3.

Miss & love you!!