It's a combination of a lot of things. 1. I started taking this random Bolivian brand of birth control, and I think it's making me minorly insane [awesome]; 2. I'm feeling reaaaaaally stressed out because today officially marks the beginning of our "ISP," or independent study project, period and I still do not have a topic. I'm also the only one the group that doesn't have a topic & this is veeeeery hard, esp 4 a planner like me. I'm trying to believe that the reason why I'm still without a topic is because something amazing is going to come that I can't even imagine yet, buuuut.....
the clock is ticking, and I still don't know. baaaaaah.
I also may have to decide between traveling, living in the campo, and doing something VERY intense but also very cool, and something that is a little less cool but that would allow me to stay in Cochabamba, with my family & around friends and all that. I feel like the former would be a better choice, but I also feel like I'm not in the best place emotionally (still. WHEN am I going to be good again. When??). *sigh*.... similarly....
3. I know that I need to be patient, but I'm just feeling very frustrated with myself. I wish that I could be thriving & happy & independent & free, but instead I still feel like this broken, dependent, struggling thing. I know that these things take time, but I feel like I'm wasting my life away pining for someone that (so fucking ironically) I broke up with in the first place, but that now clearly has no desire to have me in his life anymore (*cough*, clarification- this is not actually as "clear" as I'm implying it to be. But that's really how it feels).
'he tried hard to help me/you know he put me @ ease/and he loved me so naughty made me weak in the knees/I wish I had a river I could skate away on/I'm so hard to handle/I'm selfish, and I'm sad/Now I've gone and lost the best baby that I ever had/Oh I wish I had a river/I could skate away on/I made my baby say goodbye...." (somehow Joni always manages to say it better than anyone :) )
In sum, I'm feeling kind of pathetic at the moment. Why can I not just get it together? Sometimes I wish I was someone else, or that I could go to sleep for months and wake up to a whole new life. Or not be so melodramatic ha :P. Either way, I just can't seem to find my way these days, and I'm not quite sure why.
It's a little rough.
When you feel you are tired and stressed, just remember, as darkness creeps in on the day, it reveals an even more beautiful night sky. Just take a few deep breaths and let your eyes adjust to the darkness so you can witness all the splendor around you, both here and in Bolivia.
ReplyDelete:D Love you.