I really have nothing to say at this juncture but more thoughts such as EEK! and BAH!, which are rather unhelpful and not particularly expressive heheh. However.... perhaps I can find a way to be a bit more descriptive. *ahmm*
I'm feeling about 50 zillion really intense emotions right now, which is pretty dumb-founding to me as this is definetly not my first or most intense (well... debatable on the intense) trip out of the country. In fact, while this IS a much longer trip (it's unbelievably crazy to me that I'll be gone until May. MAY!), it will also be a lot more guided/structured than the other trips I've taken out of the country, both of which were pretty much just me, chillin, doin a thing. This program is going to have directors, and people to help you at the airport, and all kinds of crazy-handy stuff like that. It's all fine, but for whatever reason I am just anxious. as. fuck. Bah.
Buuuuuut (and this is a pretty big but(t) hehe :P)- these moments are where it's at for me right now, I think. Feeling the anxiety and the fear, a lot of which is based in insecurity, and breathing through it with the knowledge that on the other side of this anxiety, there is a life more beautiful, rare, and wild than I ever could have imagined (and parts of me, yet undiscovered, that are just as marvelous and rare). I think a pretty significant part of why I'm so nervous is because of meeting the rest of the group in a few hours. It's just..... a lot of pressure. All of these crazy, totally irrational thoughts keep running through my mind- what if they don't like me? what if they all bond really quickly but I don't? what if I don't have anything to say? what if they're smarter than me, or much much better at Spanish? what if I'm not pretty/cool/fun/smart/...dot dot dot... enough????? <-- this would be minorly disturbing if I didn't already know that this is EXACTLY what I've been working on/need to be working on right now. I have a lot of false ideas about myself based on who knows what, and a lot of "inner critics" [as Sark calls them] that try to stop me from being all that I can be. I know this, I acknowledge it, and I'm working of loving myself anyway :). Also, very happy, I've made/am making alot of progress on this front over the past few months. It IS really scary and hard and intense and overwhelming and confusing [both going on this trip and also, really, being alive and a person in this world].... but it's also exhilerating, amazing, and fabulous, and will be an enriching experience if I meet it with bravery and enthusiasm and kindness. Which, I will do my utmost to do :).
Also, fortunately for me, I am completely surrounded by love these days (which I appreciate more than words can even express). The logical (yet immensely challenging!) next step is to work on taking all that love and turning it both inward to myself and outward to the world around me. To which I say: yes!
Alright. I think I can do this. Go team :).
No comments:
Post a Comment